What was going through Chris’s Head Regarding Nikki
Grahm/Dave: What were you thinking this whole time?
Chris: In the back of my head, I was telling myself, “What are you doing?” Every time I would open up my phone, I could see pictures of my wife and my kids and I’m just like, “What am I doing?” And then every time I was with her, it seemed like I didn’t think. It seemed like there was a blinder in my face. Every time I look back on it, like I have pictures of my wife and kids and myself because every night or every morning, every night, talk to them, say like, like I have this book – I used to read for CeCe and I remember that book, so I read that to them every night and there’s some scripture and stuff that I read to them, so I just try to, you know, I just try to think back. Like, I wish none of this had ever happened. I wish that blinder wasn’t on my head, right in front of my eyes and I would have seen what was going on, like, you know, I was having – everybody said, “Oh, you’re just out there having fun while your kids and wife are on vacation.” I’m just like, “No, it wasn’t like that.” But that’s what it looked like when you’re going to camping, going to a drag race – all of the other stuff that you had fun doing but you’re with somebody else, it’s not your family. It just didn’t seem right. You know, I was with her, it didn’t seem like I’d even see that anymore. I was at her house pretty much every night. It was like I didn’t have that time at home just to really think about anything. Because, literally, like I was only at home from like when I got home from work, I worked out, I ate dinner and then I went over to her house. Like I was never – I never slept in my house like the whole month of July.
Grahm/Dave: Talk me through that though. When you said you went home and then you were at her house, was that while Shanann was gone?
Grahm/Dave: So, you weren’t even at your house?
Grahm/Dave: This all happened so quickly, didn’t it?
Chris: It did. It was insanely quick. She even told me she would never, like a normal relationship, she would never have somebody over at her house more than once or twice a week, but she felt like she wanted me over there. She said she felt comfortable with me over there. So, it was just like that’s what was different. She wanted me over there. I just wish that all of that would just go away. I just wish I had, almost like I – I know it’s hard to, I know it’s wrong to say I wish I never met somebody. But I wish I’d maybe met her at work and then just kept it that way.
Grahm/Dave: I think if we had a time machine, I don’t think this would happen again because some people, when this happens, you’re like, well, if it wasn’t this time, it would have been next time, or it would have been the next time. This just wouldn’t have happened with you, would it?
Grahm/Dave: It happened so quickly that – you tell me if I’m wrong – you’re not the type of guy to take control sometimes when you need to.
Grahm/Dave: It seems like that’s just what happened.
Chris: Yeah, I didn’t take control of the situation. It’s like the situation was controlling me.
Grahm/Dave: Right, it just happened. I get that, man. I’m somewhat passive myself and it’s like, you know, there’s situations where I’m like, “Why did I let that keep going?”
Chris: Yeah. I don’t know why, it was like a roller coaster ride that I just kept punching the ticket on – just never getting off.