What Chris Thinks of Himself Now – 2
Grahm: You’d hope that it wasn’t some sort of insult or, you know. What do you think of yourself now?
Chris: Back when all this happened, when I was in Weld County and everything, I definitely didn’t feel like myself anymore. Like when my attorneys were talking to me and I talked to some of my friends and some of the stuff they would say, like, they did say good things, but I’m just thinking to myself, “How can anybody even say those things about me now being what happened?” Because people I knew and that I never talked to again, that like maybe I was their roommate back in the day or went to school with or something like that, now they’re just going to say, “That’s that Chris Watts. That’s the guy I went to high school with, that’s the guy who did all this horrible stuff to his family.” I know I shouldn’t really take to heart what other people think about me so much, it’s just a matter of what God thinks about me and what he thinks, what his opinion is, not anybody else’s. Everybody is going to have their opinion about everybody. Before I got in trouble, I mean, I was always the guy, “Hey, look,” and judge somebody on TV, you know, like, “That guy,” [inaudible 01:05:31], like, “Oh, that guy’s horrible.” Now, I’m the… Now when we come out at 6:00 at night and there’s something on the news, I try not to even pay attention to it, it’s just like I don’t want to be in that position where I’m judging somebody else because that’s what people were doing to me. And I don’t want to be that person anymore. I just hope that I can, you know, step back and look at everything that I’ve done in my life and then, up to that point, and I did some good things, but in the matter of the most important thing, I screwed up the worst. So, if I can at least help somebody with however much I have left.
Tammy: Was it your intent the whole time you were taking the girls out there that you were going to do that to them? Honestly?
Chris: It’s like when I got there, I didn’t think it was going to – like are you talking about the tanks or just…? My thought process in all this, none of this makes sense, that’s why I know you guys keep asking these questions because it doesn’t make sense to me.
Tammy: I guess I mean, you could have done it before you guys left.
Chris: I know.
Tammy: And not had them, you know, alive in the backseat, thinking of where’s Shanann in the backseat.
Chris: I didn’t think about anything, really, like as far as how everything was going to happen, I don’t know why it happened. Why I left everything out there in the field and why all this stuff, none of this makes sense at all.
Grahm: To Tammy’s point, did you think they might be coming back, or did you know they wouldn’t be coming back?
Chris: I don’t know. I mean, the whole trip out there, it was like I was on, like I wasn’t thinking. It was like… in my mind right now, I’m thinking back, I’m like I’m hoping that I wasn’t, that I wasn’t coherent enough to make that decision to where I knew I was going to kill my girls. I’m just hoping that no father would ever want to do anything to hurt his blood and flesh, but I did that, and I just don’t understand how it happened. I mean, I even read books that say, you know, no dad would ever do anything to hurt his children and this happened. I was thinking to myself, like was I even a dad at one point? I don’t know. It’s just going to take a long, long time to heal from everything to get —
Tammy: Have you asked for forgiveness from God?
Chris: Mm-hmm. It just takes a long time for me to forgive myself. And that’s one thing that’s gonna take… I just that one they can forgive me too.